Sam here, just popping on to reflect on the coming of fall and cooler weather. Eric's not so happy summer is basically over but at least I'm more comfortable this week now that I'm not constantly sweating. The boys started back to school this week and Eric started his teaching career (2nd year electrical apprentices). I'm gearing up for my first official PTO meeting as the new Treasurer. We culled both the herd and the flock last week to put a good chunk of money down on our massive FSA loan payment and to relieve some of the pressure on our modest hay crop. Jackets and boots are cluttering up our entryways and dirt is everywhere. It normally would be mud, but it's been unusually dry recently. Our "baby creek" hasn't run all summer. Oh, and Eric caught up to me and turned 40 this week... let's just say we're both not quite spring chickens anymore but I think we're still going pretty good.

The changing of the seasons always makes me think about things, cycles, renewal, death, life. Even moreso since Annika passed over 8 months ago now. We're still getting used to "normal" life, not lugging a giant bag, wheelchair, blankets and coolers around, timing everything, always checking the clock. It's still weird just throwing the kids in the van and going. Or just letting them play in the yard while we get things done, no big tent and blankets or running in to check on things every ten minutes. The first day of school was a blur but the sunset sky was a beautiful rainbow and it reminded me of Annika. Even the weather was her kind of weather, sunshine but cool with a breeze. It was like she was saying "It's ok, I'm still here." And she is. I think about her every day. I make an effort to point out Annika's favorite things as they come across our lives. I talk to her in our quiet moments. She'll always be with me, I know that, but it still hurts even when it doesn't look like it. We're so blessed to have the people we have around us though, our family and friends have been such an amazing support even as they themselves grieve.

Oh, and still no new barn at our house. Apparently we should have left one wall standing 15 years ago when we helped it fall the rest of the way down... at least I'm really good at phone calls and paperwork. Thanks Annika!

This is a picture Sam took the other morning when she went to check on the sheep. No words can describe being in those moments of blissfulness. Just another reason why we graze. 

Also, since the last time I posted we are in full swing grazing season. This is the only reason I even farm. Grazing to me just makes sense. The ruminant is designed to eat all grass. While they are grazing they also spread their own manure and fertilize the ground for me without any additional inputs needed. I can monitor the manure and see whether or not they are getting a good diet. The pictures I'll put up now show perfect manure. The cows are getting the right amount of protein, not too much or too little. I even took a picture of a manure patty that's only 24 hours old and you can already see how the bugs are aerating it and breaking it down. 

Two days after her 10th birthday we went through every parent's nightmare, we lost our sweet, beautiful first-born. She passed peacefully in her sleep after deteriorating for the last couple years due to her congentital issues. It has still rocked our world off it's axis. The pain and emptyness has been all consuming, but we have an amazing community and so much family rallied around us. 

We've taken a lot of walks on the farm the last couple weeks - you can see her final resting place from the fields - she can keep her eyes on the critters still. We've donated a lot of her specialty items for other kids that need them. We didn't cook for almost two weeks. We've cried. We've comforted others. We've cuddled new baby lambs. It doesn't bring Annika back, but it helps heal the soul. We're at peace knowing that she is up in heaven, eating ice cream, dancing, running, singing, doing everything up there that she couldn't do down here. But it still sucks. It probably always will suck.

Annika loved the animals. She's the reason we got sheep in the first place - we called her the Sheep Whisperer. She loved music and lights. She loved having commotion all around her. She loved the breeze on her face, blowing her hair around. She loved to take naps in the sunshine. She loved bonfires and fireworks. She loved looking up at the leaves on the trees. The last words she clung to before she lost speech several years ago were "moo" and "cat." We're going to remember her for all these things and not for the brain malformation and epilepsy. Her diagnoses didn't define her, we made sure of that.

These last 10 years have been the hardest and yet most rewarding decade of our lives. It's going to be rough for a while, but the world keeps turning and we have three more beautiful kiddos to raise. Thankfully we have a small army of helpers and we plan on being many more people's helpers in the future. So thank you to everyone who has reached out in the last couple weeks with gifts, food, hugs, thoughts and prayers. They've truly helped and have been appreciated more than anyone can imagine.

​P.S. this is a guest post from Sam. Eric's been busy writing thank you notes.

This past Tuesday Annika had surgery to have a VNS implant. VNS stands for vagal nerve stimulator. The goal of this device is to interrupt the seizures either before they occur or during. We had to be at the hospital at 6 am and luckily the weather was perfect for driving that morning. The surgery went very well, and we were home by 3 pm.

Throughout the day the wind started picking up quite severely to the point where outages were happening all over. As I was feeding the sheep some hay that evening, I looked across the fields just as the power went out at the farm and all the other houses on the road. Fortunately, we have a generator that is powered by a tractor. Dad and I donned our headlamps and hooked everything up to power up the premises! It was a long day, but everything went about as well as one could want.